Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
