I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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