She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
