I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
