I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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