Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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