you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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