and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
