i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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