Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
