In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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