M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
