I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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