the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
