My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
