Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
