yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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