Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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