His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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