let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
