hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
