i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
