just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
