be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
