I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
