I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Terrible idea I love it
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
