if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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