I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
