as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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