He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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