i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
