he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
