the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
