He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
