Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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