I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
