you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
