the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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