i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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