I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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