sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
