his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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