I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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