Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
