plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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