Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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