There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
