Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
