just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
