I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
