yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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