you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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